Sunday, January 18, 2004

It's Not That I Watch A Lot of Television

But I DO watch sports and Comedy Central.

And I think a sign that your social life is getting a little weak is when you start bonding with the women in the commercials.

You know? Like you start to think that there could BE something there, that if you could just meet in some advertising party you could say; Hey, don't I know you? And she'd say, Yeah, I'm Ivana Milicivic from the "Big O" commercials, formerly of Mind of the Married Man and what is that alluring cologne you're wearing? And I'd be all like; Oh, I never wear cologne. You must be referring to my natural body musk. And she'd say, Well whatever it is, it's nice. Listen, this place is pretty dead, you want to go get some coffee? And I'd be like; Well, I don't really drink coffee, but I think I know what you mean; why don't we blow this pop stand and go listen to some records? And then we'd hang out and discuss what happened to Prince and who's our favorite Democratic candidate and why neither of us ever finished college and the books of Philip K. Dick and the art of George Herriman but then it would be way too late to leave so I'd sorta awkwardly suggest that it might be easier for us to just crash out at my place since we're already here and I can take the couch but oh no that's okay it's a big bed and we'd sorta curl up, still talking and there'd be that accidental contact in bed that turned unaccidental and then there's a little neck nuzzling and a light graze and then she turns over and we get that superrad moment where you're both breathing the same air and then you sorta halfway kiss but that turns into a serious lipsucker and light groping/stroking/cuddle until you're both so trashed and tired but horny but you decide that maybe this could be something serious and you don't want to fire it up on the first night so instead you spoon and then she has to get up early for work, but she doesn't rush you out but you're all like; Hey, I can dig it; so you leave the same time she does but that afternoon you get into a giggly phone conversation that sets up a date for Friday and then you meet at her place and soon after hot monkey sex would follow.

You know?

I'm getting that with two commercials.

One of them is that Dodge truck commercial where the married couple is driving their kid home in the new car and the mother leans back and says something about how the suspension makes the "ride smooth for FLUFFY." FLUFFY is the kid's teddy bear. When she says "FLUFFY," it drives me crazy. I just want to whisk her away from her brainless dolt of a husband and her Stepford wife life and go ride cross country motorcycles with her to San Francisco.

But the other girl is better. Less domestic. It's an ad for Dave Attell's Insomniac. They're doing an hour long special. In the ad, Dave's in a bar pointing at a Jack-O'-Lantern on the counter and there's this cute girl-next-door-type redhead sitting beside him and she's got a sorta bemused, almost annoyed "Who is this schmuck?" look on her face. And she's not looking at the camera, she's looking at Attell. Very real. And Attell says, "You know you're really drunk when you want to >bleeeeep< one of the holes." Then the scene quick cuts to the next gag, but just before it does; this girl's face does a total switcheroo, one of those sly, not-trying-to-laugh, half grins that signals the "hmmm. I might fuck this guy" response.

I love that girl.

If you're that girl, please call me.