Sunday, February 29, 2004
OSCAR BLOGGIN' '04
I give up; I'm a total Oscar whore.
So here we go, "blow by blow", as they say.
(lightly reedited for readability)
What's wrong with Sophia Coppola's face?
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What's wrong with Johnny Depp's hair?
And why the chain? Is he afraid Jude Law is gonna steal his wallet?
And is he fronting a light English accent? Maybe elocution lessons from Madonna?
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Check out Angelina Jolie's nipples, kids! Cold snap in Cali, eh?
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Whoever this idiot "Billy" is that's interviewing, it's clear everyone hates this sumbitch. Who am I to argue?
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Dude, quit grabbing starlets. They're not laughing WITH you, they're laughing AT you, fucker.
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ELIJAH WOOD! SHUT YOUR EYES!
This guy is on breast level with most women, which must explains the Marty Feldman look he's sporting.
ELIJAH WOOD! EYES! AGH!
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I'd like Sophia Coppola a lot better if she'd punch this guy in the face.
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"Billy", you're a fucking virus.
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FINALLY. Best actress. Didn't see "Something's Got to Give" and "Whale Rider" is on video on my shelf right now, but everything else got in front of my eyes. I'm pulling for the frontrunner, Theron.
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Whoops, spoke too soon. Slow rambling monologue from Connery and... time for the fabled clip show.
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Things not to do in an award show: display Billy Crystal's naked ass.
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Twice.
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Three times.
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Oof, some of this Crystal schtick is in astonishingly poor taste.
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Four times.
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And the rest of it isn't funny.
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Props to Michael Moore for having a sense of humour, but I still call bullshit on that.
Ha ha, fat guy trampled by elephant espousing sane politics. I call bullshit.
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The fat guy, not the elephant. Espousing sane politics. This needs editing.
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Am I crazy; don't they always start with best actress?
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Oh shit, musical number. Sort of. Sing or don't. Sing? Don't? Sort of.
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I think Mel's "Life of Brian" is gonna be the whipping boy tonight. Just what it needed, more exposure.
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Yipes. The "Old Man River" bit is making me ill. I'm remembering why I skipped this the past two times.
Oh well. This is my one mediawhore moment of the year, might as well wallow in the shit.
Getting tired of seeing people roll their eyes, though. Merely reinforces how tiring it all is.
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Man, when they show the audience you get a sense of how tough the crowd is.
They're all too aware they're on camera and there's no reaction except pure Grade-A phoniness.
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The longer this number goes on, the more I want to see Crystal involved in a NASCAR wreck.
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I forgot Catherine Zeta-Jones won last year. Huh.
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Oh shit, best supporting actor? I'm so confused.
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Didn't see "The Cooler". Benicio was fine in "21 Grams" but nothing super special. Loved "In America", but this guy was like the fifth best actor in the movie. Beautiful man, though, right? Robbins. Here's your winner. And who's this Japanese guy?
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Gotta be Robbins.
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Sure is. Boy, he deserves this. A bright, consistently wonderful career. Well, I'm one for one.
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Sean Penn was BORN looking jaded.
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Heh. I like the Scorcese commercial.
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Inviting all the monkeys over; welcome if you're one of them.
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Jesus and Bush are fair game tonight, clearly.
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Sir Ian has such gravitas. He's one of those Ginsberg types that you have to consider putting out for.
Terrible shame about the teeth though.
I STILL haven't seen this installment of LotR yet. I liked the other two, but am hardly swept up in the hullaballoo.
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I'll say it again: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Angelina Jolie's nipples! Yeeeeowza.
That's the opposite of a wardrobe malfunction.
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Geek category: Art direction: "Girl Pearl" "Samurai" "LotR" "Master" "Seabiscuit"
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Gotta be LotR, right?
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That's an affirmative and an easy geek call, but I'm still rocking two for two and feeling very special.
Should've posted my calls earlier; if i sweep, no one will ever believe it. Cest la vie.
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That Robin Williams schtick was creepy. Robin Williams is creepy.
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Oh boy! More Janet jokes!
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Animated. "Triplets" "Brother Bear" "Finding Nemo"
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"Brother Bear" looks like it REALLY sucks.
I'll see "Triplets" in a week or so.
MUST be "Nemo".
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Three for three. It's about fucking time that these guys got some recognition. Hey, Stanton! Tell off Disney, eh!
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Whoa, dig the towering animation leadoffthestage starlet. Shades of Jessica Rabbit.
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Not sure what I think about the post reaction winner shot. I think I'd prefer a post reaction "worst loser" shot.
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Is this a FYC commercial? Do they not have money for coke anymore?
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I just realized how sad it is that I'm watching this via blog instead of with people. There will be some crying later.
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Geek cat: Costumes: "Girl" "Samurai""LotR" "Master" "Seabiscuit"
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Gotta be LotR again.
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Yep. Looks like they're AT LEAST gonna clean up in all the technical categories.
Makes me wonder if "Translation" won't pull it out for best film, though.
Four for four. I'm due for a gaffe briefly.
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Somebody tell these people that they need to talk faster if they're not famous.
Fame = Time. You are a New Zealand nobody and = 25 seconds. Check yourself.
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Nick Cage just cracks me up. You could use his face as a battering ram, couldn'cha?
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Haven't seen "Master" yet either, but it's probably worth a run at the buck theater shortly. Didn't really compel me.
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Hey, supporting actress time. Who's up?
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The "Sand and Fog" lady? Unlikely, but never saw. Patricia Clarkson? Not this year. She's way rad though. So MILF. Marcia Gay Harden was great in "Mystic River", but two Oscars in five years? Unlikely. Rock the cleav, Marcia! Holly Hunter was the one good thing about "Thirteen". Then there's Zell.
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I'm guessing Zell, but hoping Hunter. Bets on Zell.
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Yeah, that was a fait accompli, I thinks.
PLEASE DON'T CRY.
PLEASE.
Your baby face and overly madeup eyes would make it too weird.
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Good, she's kept it under control. God bless. Vincent D'Onofrio taught her how to work? Interesting.
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Okay, you're babbling now.
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The fat guy is her boyfriend? I'm confused.
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Here comes Tom Hanks, looking more and more iconic every week.
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Bob Hope retrospective means I can go to the bathroom.
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Weird drowning anti drug commercial. What if my friend was just having some difficulty swimming and wouldn't pass the pipe in a timely fashion?
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Bad anti-product placement w/Starsky and Hutch here. Going on much too long, too.
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Live action short. No clue, so not playing. See, if I was in New York; I'dve seen all these at the Gramercy.
As it is, I have to pretend I know what's going on.
Miss the city. >sigh<
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These guys understand the equation. Knock those names out, pal!
Oooooh, your friend is gonna be pissed if he don't get to talk.
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And cue the music. Son, got stiffed on talk time. Wow, that guy gave him such a LOOK.
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Animated short. See above, including ">sigh<"
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Did the "Ice Age" guy get nominated?
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I find the music for animated short winner demeaning.
It's seems assumed that the director of the animated short is a dork.
Oh wait, he is. Nice red body scarf, pal.
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Men can thank their boyfriends now? Wow, it IS a more permissive world.
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Liv Tyler is like the most fuckable librarian in the whole world.
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Gosh, Allison Krauss sure has a pretty voice.
What the hell is Sting playing, the dorkaphone?
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Good call keeping Sting confined to background mumbling here.
Sure do wish _I_ had an ain true love.
Shouldn't Jack White be skulking around here somewhere? We want Jack!
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Elvis has a look on his face like Sting farted where he's standing.
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This is actually kinda pretty, for a song about a period.
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Nice restrained best song selection this year.
Did Liv have to go to the bathroom? Where'd she go?
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Is Annie vying to be the secular Enya? With more teeth? Can someone turn up her mike please?
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Oh, there it is. They were waiting for money notes.
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Words I don't like to hear: "Stay tuned for Will Smith and Jim Carrey".
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Zell looked like she spat up a little puke when she heard her name.
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Haw haw laker jokes.
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Haw haw pussy jokes.
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Could this schtick be over, please? Man, I hate Crystal. So toothless.
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Geek award: Special effects. "LotR" "Master" "Carribean"
I'm betting LotR, easily.
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Whoa, six for six. I'm getting cocky.
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You know what the Oscars need? More Kiwis. We're short on kiwis.
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Look, Jennifer Garner's E-NUN-CI-A-TING!
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Seems like all the tech guys got edited into seeming entirely too self-effacing.
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Have I mentioned that I hate Jim Carrey?
I hate Jim Carrey.
Jim Carrey, you are a shithead.
And he's introducing Blake Edwards, which is appropriate.
Did Jim just make slanty eyes?
Am I listening to Jim Carrey discuss jumping on his naked sister?
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Not a Blake Edwards fan. Without Peter Sellers, what've you got?
Lotsa queeny shit, if we take the clips as evidence.
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Boy, that was either prefilmed or just really lame or both. What a terrible anectdote. My mother thanks you too. Blake kinda sucks.
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My Oscar speech:
"I'd like to thank the motion picture industry for paying me obscene gobs of money and thank the academy for making my sticker price go through the ceiling. No more mid six figures for me, fellas!
Shake it like a polaroid picture, mufuckas!" (proceeds to shimmyoff)
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Bill Murray's gonna win best actor tonight. Calling Coppola the first "American Girl" director nominated, Bill?
They'll get you in USA Today tomorrow for that.
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See, I _liked_ LiT, but I thought it was terribly overrated. Good film, not great.
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Scarlett Johannson is totally doing the Marilyn thing and it doesn't fit her. She's much cuter as the girl next door.
This "I'm so hot" attitude is turning me off.
Don't fuck this up, Scarlett; our children would be SO cute.
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Makeup Geek: "LotR" "Master" "Pirates"
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LotR again? Gotta assume?
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Seven for seven. LotR cleanin' th' fuck UP.
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What's a "protetic"? Is it something you'd attach to your faith?
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Sandra Bullock looks like a Dairy Queen cone.
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Sound Geek: "Samurai" "Master" "LotR" "Pirates" "Seabiscuit"
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I'm betting on "Master" this time. Taking a chance.
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Seven for eight. Holy shit; they're giving Rings EVERYTHING.
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New Zealand. Don't terrorists come from there?
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Sound Edit Geek: "Master" "Nemo" "Pirates"
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Trying "Master" again.
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There we go. Back on track. Eight for nine. I almost voted for LotR. How'd they miss that nomination?
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Kat Hepburn tribute means I eat. I like Hepburn, but I don't need Julia Roberts telling me how good she was.
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She was pretty damn good though, wasn't she?
"I could peel you like a pear and god himself would call it justice."
Classy.
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Nice dress Oprah. I take it "Mystic" was on her book club?
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I thought "Mystic" was INCREDIBLY overhyped and overdone, but tremendously well acted.
Wow. Look at Penn go.
But for all that, that's all you get: Sturm and Drang.
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Doc. Short . New York loss again. No idea.
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Why the cut to Uma? Is she from Chernobyl? She DOES look like she's had radiation therapy...
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Repping dead kids=more stage time. They don't play you off if you invoke dead children.
More people should try that tactic.
"First I'd like to thank dead children. And now my entire entourage and family, alphabetically."
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Here we go: Documentary: I'm thinking "Friedmans", yes?
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Nope. "Fog of War". It was a good year for docs. Where's "To be" and "Spellbound" and "Winged Migration"?
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Morris cracks me up! What a great fuck you to the academy! "Thanks for FINALLY acknowledging MY FILMS!". I need to go see "Fog of War" shortly. I liked "Brief History" a great deal. Eight for ten.
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About fucking time someone finally said something political. The time and the environment is ready.
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Don't be smug, Billy. Wait, what am I saying? That's asking a bird not to fly.
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The academy head is missing some cuecards. Or having a stroke.
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More deathroll: Greg Peck. Another class act.
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Art Carney, Charles Bronson, Kazan, Ebsen, Brakhage, Cronyn, Hackett, Bob Stack, Hines. A barrage of lesser knowns to follow with polite applause.
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I didn't know Michael Jeter died! Bummer.
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Movie "Trailer" Innovator? Hwah? Lotta dead people this year.
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I liked Kamen's scores and didn't know he died either.
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I don't think O'Connor would've wanted to have been eulogized by a picture of him hitting himself in the face.
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This is the second time I've seen this "Caddyshack" Tiger commercial and I can now say that this sucks.
'Course I dislike "Caddyshack" anyway, but that's just me.
I'm sure somebody thinks this is a good idea, but not me.
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Sting and Phil Collins together is an excellent excuse for the use of a hand grenade.
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Best Score: "Big Fish" (Elfman) "Mountain" "Nemo" "Sand and Fog"(Horner) ""LotR"
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Rings? Again?
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And the Oscar for best catering goes to RINGS! Nine of eleven.
I don't think they're getting best film to go with all these. Too unlikely a sweep.
"Lost in Translation" looks more likely by the minute.
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I bet those Rings guys all go to the bathroom at the same time, too.
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Editing Geek: "City of God" "Mountain" "LotR" "Master" ""Seabiscuit"
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Betting "Master".
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Okay I give up. Give them all the Oscars and let me go to sleep. Nine of twelve.
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I would feel up Julianne Moore if given the chance too, dude. Good call.
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Jamie Lee Curtis is like eighty, right? Still pretty hot, but that cleav is Vuh-EINY. And then some.
Those titties got some blue blood up in 'em.
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Never saw a "Mighty Wind". Those Christopher Guest films are pretty interchangable.
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This is meant to be a parody of a bad song, but it just sounds like a bad song. Are we po-mo, yet?
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Really, this isn't much more drippy than the Allison Krauss/Sting song. Them kissing is the joke?
I'm missing something here, right?
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Hello, black conducting man. Do you know the way to a commercial?
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Now this is more like it! Squirrel Nut Zippers with taped background singers, bicycle percussion and a three chinned lead singer that looks like my first girlfriend in college.
No wait, this sucks. Well, it was good for fifteen seconds. Now it's lame. My attention span wandered. Look! A cloud!
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Words I REALLY don't want to hear: "a musical performance with Will Ferrell and Jack Black". I hate those guys.
Black in particular; I skipped what by all rights was a pretty good movie ("School of Rock").
I hate him so much. Tenacious D can suck my left nut.
Can I phone a friend for that second hand grenade?
Best Song, after we get these schmucks out of the way.
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Oh Christ. These guys are as original and funny as your average eighth grade talent show.
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Is Scarlett Johannson dating Sean Connery? Cause she's huggin' him pretty tight.
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I'm betting on the Krauss song with Elvis. That was the only good one. Which means it won't win. But I gotta bet.
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Nine of thirteen. Boy, I'm learning very slowly here: LotR is winning EVERY CATEGORY.
Let me repeat that: EVERY CATEGORY LotR has been nominated for IT HAS WON. Has this ever happened?
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Annie Lennox looks like the Silver Surfer.
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YEAH! The songwriter refused to leave the stage when the music came on.
It's about time somebody said "No, I just won an Oscar; I got shit to say." Very cool.
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Jesus, Theron's back at fighting weight and lookin' hot.
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Foreign film: I'm betting on Lord of the Rings. No, I haven't seen any of these. No vote.
Making a note to find "Twilight Samurai", though.
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Cinematography geek: "City of God" "Mountain" "Girl Pearl" "Master" "Seabiscuit"
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No LotR means "Master"?
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Ten of fourteen. I figured "Master" would have to pick up a few, 'cause it ain't gon' win best picture.
And it IS an epic right? Those are steered by effects I've been told.
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We're almost out of the geek zone. Costuming and screenplay and then we get the big stuff.
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I just want to slap that sneer off Sophia Coppola.
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Adapt Screenplay: "Splendor" "City of God" "LotR" "Mystic River" "Seabiscuit"
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Duh. "Rings". I wish "Splendor" would get it tho.
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Eleven of fifteen. This is getting ludicrous. Are we in record setting territory yet?
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It's like attack of the fat dorky people in Hollywood.
Dah dah dah dah dah, I'm LOvin it.
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Peter Jackson is so rad. "Meet the Feebles" "Dead Alive" and "Heavenly Creatures" rock tha casbah.
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I saw "Seabiscuit" but I don't actually REMEMBER it. Pretty bland Americana.
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How many married couples have matching Oscars? Are they the Sarandons the only ones?
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Best Screenplay: "Barbarian" "Dirty Pretty" "Nemo" "In America" "Translation"
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I'm betting "Translation", would prefer "America."
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Twelve of sixteen.
"Wong Kar-Wai, Godard ...and all the others." Pssst. Name dropper.
Well it WAS a good script, mostly. Can't complain.
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Tom Cruise had to check and see if the mike was short enough for him.
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Director: "City of God" Jackson, Coppola, Weir, Eastwood.
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Betting Jackson.
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Thirteen of seventeen. It's an LotR night. Totally rad. I love that he just won this. What a cool guy.
Can't wait for "King Kong".
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I give up; I'll go and see this damn thing tomorrow. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, ACADEMY?
The last man in America not to see LotR is going, okay?
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Brodie looks like a semetic Greg Peck.
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Best Actress: Hughes. I'll watch this tonight and see how it is, for now there's no opinion. Cute kid. Keaton. I REALLY don't want her to win this. Enough already. Nice hat though. Morton. I would've picked this if I hadn't seen Monster. She's sexy and talented and bright. Love her. Watts. Very good, but a little over the top and stuck in a confusing movie.
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Theron, though. This was great. Right? Gotta be?
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Brodie's funny. I like his attitude. Little schpritz for the ladies.
Theron's not having it though, she's kissing everybody else, BUT him.
He still wants a little more, but he ain't gettin' it.
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She gets to cry; I'll let her cry.
You know the story on her background? I don't want to get into it here, it's morbid; but you should read more about it.
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Tony G DID do a great job on makeup.
Really, Theron earned this; I can't complain at all even if it is like the prom queen getting a big scholarship to Harvard.
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"...and my mommmm..." Alright, that's enough now. "And I'm not gonna cry!" Theeeeeeeere ya go.
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I love that Johnny Depp is cracking up that he just got spotlit for best actor.
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Theron pissed herself when her name was called. I saw a blossom at the crotch of the dress.
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Kidman sets the standard. Don't forget it.
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Best Actor: Depp. He had a lot of fun, I'll give him that. Not this year though. Ten more. He's got a long career ahead. Kingsley. Didn't see this, dunno. Law or as I call him, "Sexbot". Bad southern accent, dude. Penn. The only other guy that stands a chance than Murray. He's pretty darn good.
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I'm going to jump the fence and say Murray. He was spectacular.
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Nope. Fourteen of nineteen. I'm actually kind of disappointed, but I really like Penn's attitude.
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Nice "Mass Destruction" ref, dude.
Boy, Bill Murray is totally fuckin' cold. He's pissed; you can see it.
There ain't gonna be too many more chances and he knows it.
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Boy, Penn's really doing this speech off the top of his head. What a neat guy.
If he doesn't thank Madonna I'm gonna be very sad.
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I'm very sad.
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Boy, Crystal's a dick calling out Murray like that on national television. Let the guy feel bad in peace, okay?
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Spielberg looks the same as he has for years. He's working out and eating well; gotta be.
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Best Picture: "LotR" "Translation" "Master" "Mystic" "Seabiscuit"
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I get it already. "Rings", right?
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They did it. All your Oscar are belong to us. Record tying. If only they had gotten that damn sound editing nomination....
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Well, let's wrap it up. What have we learned tonight?
1) Kiwi tastes goooooooood.
2) We're gonna have to put up with a LOT of bad fantasy in the next year.
3) Billy Crystal needs to be put out to pasture.
4) Fifteen of twenty (with a handful of abstentions) means I'm a fucking genius.
I'd like to thank your mother for being so very gracious and your father for being out of the house.
We love you Cincinatti!
Wheaties, Breakfast of Champions!
Good Noight!
I give up; I'm a total Oscar whore.
So here we go, "blow by blow", as they say.
(lightly reedited for readability)
What's wrong with Sophia Coppola's face?
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What's wrong with Johnny Depp's hair?
And why the chain? Is he afraid Jude Law is gonna steal his wallet?
And is he fronting a light English accent? Maybe elocution lessons from Madonna?
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Check out Angelina Jolie's nipples, kids! Cold snap in Cali, eh?
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Whoever this idiot "Billy" is that's interviewing, it's clear everyone hates this sumbitch. Who am I to argue?
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Dude, quit grabbing starlets. They're not laughing WITH you, they're laughing AT you, fucker.
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ELIJAH WOOD! SHUT YOUR EYES!
This guy is on breast level with most women, which must explains the Marty Feldman look he's sporting.
ELIJAH WOOD! EYES! AGH!
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I'd like Sophia Coppola a lot better if she'd punch this guy in the face.
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"Billy", you're a fucking virus.
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FINALLY. Best actress. Didn't see "Something's Got to Give" and "Whale Rider" is on video on my shelf right now, but everything else got in front of my eyes. I'm pulling for the frontrunner, Theron.
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Whoops, spoke too soon. Slow rambling monologue from Connery and... time for the fabled clip show.
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Things not to do in an award show: display Billy Crystal's naked ass.
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Twice.
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Three times.
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Oof, some of this Crystal schtick is in astonishingly poor taste.
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Four times.
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And the rest of it isn't funny.
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Props to Michael Moore for having a sense of humour, but I still call bullshit on that.
Ha ha, fat guy trampled by elephant espousing sane politics. I call bullshit.
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The fat guy, not the elephant. Espousing sane politics. This needs editing.
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Am I crazy; don't they always start with best actress?
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Oh shit, musical number. Sort of. Sing or don't. Sing? Don't? Sort of.
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I think Mel's "Life of Brian" is gonna be the whipping boy tonight. Just what it needed, more exposure.
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Yipes. The "Old Man River" bit is making me ill. I'm remembering why I skipped this the past two times.
Oh well. This is my one mediawhore moment of the year, might as well wallow in the shit.
Getting tired of seeing people roll their eyes, though. Merely reinforces how tiring it all is.
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Man, when they show the audience you get a sense of how tough the crowd is.
They're all too aware they're on camera and there's no reaction except pure Grade-A phoniness.
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The longer this number goes on, the more I want to see Crystal involved in a NASCAR wreck.
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I forgot Catherine Zeta-Jones won last year. Huh.
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Oh shit, best supporting actor? I'm so confused.
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Didn't see "The Cooler". Benicio was fine in "21 Grams" but nothing super special. Loved "In America", but this guy was like the fifth best actor in the movie. Beautiful man, though, right? Robbins. Here's your winner. And who's this Japanese guy?
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Gotta be Robbins.
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Sure is. Boy, he deserves this. A bright, consistently wonderful career. Well, I'm one for one.
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Sean Penn was BORN looking jaded.
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Heh. I like the Scorcese commercial.
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Inviting all the monkeys over; welcome if you're one of them.
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Jesus and Bush are fair game tonight, clearly.
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Sir Ian has such gravitas. He's one of those Ginsberg types that you have to consider putting out for.
Terrible shame about the teeth though.
I STILL haven't seen this installment of LotR yet. I liked the other two, but am hardly swept up in the hullaballoo.
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I'll say it again: HELLOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Angelina Jolie's nipples! Yeeeeowza.
That's the opposite of a wardrobe malfunction.
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Geek category: Art direction: "Girl Pearl" "Samurai" "LotR" "Master" "Seabiscuit"
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Gotta be LotR, right?
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That's an affirmative and an easy geek call, but I'm still rocking two for two and feeling very special.
Should've posted my calls earlier; if i sweep, no one will ever believe it. Cest la vie.
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That Robin Williams schtick was creepy. Robin Williams is creepy.
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Oh boy! More Janet jokes!
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Animated. "Triplets" "Brother Bear" "Finding Nemo"
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"Brother Bear" looks like it REALLY sucks.
I'll see "Triplets" in a week or so.
MUST be "Nemo".
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Three for three. It's about fucking time that these guys got some recognition. Hey, Stanton! Tell off Disney, eh!
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Whoa, dig the towering animation leadoffthestage starlet. Shades of Jessica Rabbit.
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Not sure what I think about the post reaction winner shot. I think I'd prefer a post reaction "worst loser" shot.
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Is this a FYC commercial? Do they not have money for coke anymore?
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I just realized how sad it is that I'm watching this via blog instead of with people. There will be some crying later.
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Geek cat: Costumes: "Girl" "Samurai""LotR" "Master" "Seabiscuit"
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Gotta be LotR again.
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Yep. Looks like they're AT LEAST gonna clean up in all the technical categories.
Makes me wonder if "Translation" won't pull it out for best film, though.
Four for four. I'm due for a gaffe briefly.
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Somebody tell these people that they need to talk faster if they're not famous.
Fame = Time. You are a New Zealand nobody and = 25 seconds. Check yourself.
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Nick Cage just cracks me up. You could use his face as a battering ram, couldn'cha?
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Haven't seen "Master" yet either, but it's probably worth a run at the buck theater shortly. Didn't really compel me.
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Hey, supporting actress time. Who's up?
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The "Sand and Fog" lady? Unlikely, but never saw. Patricia Clarkson? Not this year. She's way rad though. So MILF. Marcia Gay Harden was great in "Mystic River", but two Oscars in five years? Unlikely. Rock the cleav, Marcia! Holly Hunter was the one good thing about "Thirteen". Then there's Zell.
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I'm guessing Zell, but hoping Hunter. Bets on Zell.
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Yeah, that was a fait accompli, I thinks.
PLEASE DON'T CRY.
PLEASE.
Your baby face and overly madeup eyes would make it too weird.
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Good, she's kept it under control. God bless. Vincent D'Onofrio taught her how to work? Interesting.
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Okay, you're babbling now.
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The fat guy is her boyfriend? I'm confused.
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Here comes Tom Hanks, looking more and more iconic every week.
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Bob Hope retrospective means I can go to the bathroom.
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Weird drowning anti drug commercial. What if my friend was just having some difficulty swimming and wouldn't pass the pipe in a timely fashion?
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Bad anti-product placement w/Starsky and Hutch here. Going on much too long, too.
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Live action short. No clue, so not playing. See, if I was in New York; I'dve seen all these at the Gramercy.
As it is, I have to pretend I know what's going on.
Miss the city. >sigh<
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These guys understand the equation. Knock those names out, pal!
Oooooh, your friend is gonna be pissed if he don't get to talk.
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And cue the music. Son, got stiffed on talk time. Wow, that guy gave him such a LOOK.
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Animated short. See above, including ">sigh<"
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Did the "Ice Age" guy get nominated?
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I find the music for animated short winner demeaning.
It's seems assumed that the director of the animated short is a dork.
Oh wait, he is. Nice red body scarf, pal.
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Men can thank their boyfriends now? Wow, it IS a more permissive world.
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Liv Tyler is like the most fuckable librarian in the whole world.
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Gosh, Allison Krauss sure has a pretty voice.
What the hell is Sting playing, the dorkaphone?
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Good call keeping Sting confined to background mumbling here.
Sure do wish _I_ had an ain true love.
Shouldn't Jack White be skulking around here somewhere? We want Jack!
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Elvis has a look on his face like Sting farted where he's standing.
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This is actually kinda pretty, for a song about a period.
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Nice restrained best song selection this year.
Did Liv have to go to the bathroom? Where'd she go?
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Is Annie vying to be the secular Enya? With more teeth? Can someone turn up her mike please?
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Oh, there it is. They were waiting for money notes.
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Words I don't like to hear: "Stay tuned for Will Smith and Jim Carrey".
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Zell looked like she spat up a little puke when she heard her name.
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Haw haw laker jokes.
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Haw haw pussy jokes.
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Could this schtick be over, please? Man, I hate Crystal. So toothless.
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Geek award: Special effects. "LotR" "Master" "Carribean"
I'm betting LotR, easily.
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Whoa, six for six. I'm getting cocky.
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You know what the Oscars need? More Kiwis. We're short on kiwis.
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Look, Jennifer Garner's E-NUN-CI-A-TING!
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Seems like all the tech guys got edited into seeming entirely too self-effacing.
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Have I mentioned that I hate Jim Carrey?
I hate Jim Carrey.
Jim Carrey, you are a shithead.
And he's introducing Blake Edwards, which is appropriate.
Did Jim just make slanty eyes?
Am I listening to Jim Carrey discuss jumping on his naked sister?
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Not a Blake Edwards fan. Without Peter Sellers, what've you got?
Lotsa queeny shit, if we take the clips as evidence.
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Boy, that was either prefilmed or just really lame or both. What a terrible anectdote. My mother thanks you too. Blake kinda sucks.
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My Oscar speech:
"I'd like to thank the motion picture industry for paying me obscene gobs of money and thank the academy for making my sticker price go through the ceiling. No more mid six figures for me, fellas!
Shake it like a polaroid picture, mufuckas!" (proceeds to shimmyoff)
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Bill Murray's gonna win best actor tonight. Calling Coppola the first "American Girl" director nominated, Bill?
They'll get you in USA Today tomorrow for that.
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See, I _liked_ LiT, but I thought it was terribly overrated. Good film, not great.
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Scarlett Johannson is totally doing the Marilyn thing and it doesn't fit her. She's much cuter as the girl next door.
This "I'm so hot" attitude is turning me off.
Don't fuck this up, Scarlett; our children would be SO cute.
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Makeup Geek: "LotR" "Master" "Pirates"
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LotR again? Gotta assume?
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Seven for seven. LotR cleanin' th' fuck UP.
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What's a "protetic"? Is it something you'd attach to your faith?
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Sandra Bullock looks like a Dairy Queen cone.
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Sound Geek: "Samurai" "Master" "LotR" "Pirates" "Seabiscuit"
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I'm betting on "Master" this time. Taking a chance.
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Seven for eight. Holy shit; they're giving Rings EVERYTHING.
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New Zealand. Don't terrorists come from there?
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Sound Edit Geek: "Master" "Nemo" "Pirates"
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Trying "Master" again.
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There we go. Back on track. Eight for nine. I almost voted for LotR. How'd they miss that nomination?
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Kat Hepburn tribute means I eat. I like Hepburn, but I don't need Julia Roberts telling me how good she was.
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She was pretty damn good though, wasn't she?
"I could peel you like a pear and god himself would call it justice."
Classy.
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Nice dress Oprah. I take it "Mystic" was on her book club?
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I thought "Mystic" was INCREDIBLY overhyped and overdone, but tremendously well acted.
Wow. Look at Penn go.
But for all that, that's all you get: Sturm and Drang.
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Doc. Short . New York loss again. No idea.
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Why the cut to Uma? Is she from Chernobyl? She DOES look like she's had radiation therapy...
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Repping dead kids=more stage time. They don't play you off if you invoke dead children.
More people should try that tactic.
"First I'd like to thank dead children. And now my entire entourage and family, alphabetically."
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Here we go: Documentary: I'm thinking "Friedmans", yes?
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Nope. "Fog of War". It was a good year for docs. Where's "To be" and "Spellbound" and "Winged Migration"?
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Morris cracks me up! What a great fuck you to the academy! "Thanks for FINALLY acknowledging MY FILMS!". I need to go see "Fog of War" shortly. I liked "Brief History" a great deal. Eight for ten.
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About fucking time someone finally said something political. The time and the environment is ready.
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Don't be smug, Billy. Wait, what am I saying? That's asking a bird not to fly.
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The academy head is missing some cuecards. Or having a stroke.
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More deathroll: Greg Peck. Another class act.
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Art Carney, Charles Bronson, Kazan, Ebsen, Brakhage, Cronyn, Hackett, Bob Stack, Hines. A barrage of lesser knowns to follow with polite applause.
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I didn't know Michael Jeter died! Bummer.
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Movie "Trailer" Innovator? Hwah? Lotta dead people this year.
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I liked Kamen's scores and didn't know he died either.
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I don't think O'Connor would've wanted to have been eulogized by a picture of him hitting himself in the face.
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This is the second time I've seen this "Caddyshack" Tiger commercial and I can now say that this sucks.
'Course I dislike "Caddyshack" anyway, but that's just me.
I'm sure somebody thinks this is a good idea, but not me.
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Sting and Phil Collins together is an excellent excuse for the use of a hand grenade.
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Best Score: "Big Fish" (Elfman) "Mountain" "Nemo" "Sand and Fog"(Horner) ""LotR"
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Rings? Again?
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And the Oscar for best catering goes to RINGS! Nine of eleven.
I don't think they're getting best film to go with all these. Too unlikely a sweep.
"Lost in Translation" looks more likely by the minute.
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I bet those Rings guys all go to the bathroom at the same time, too.
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Editing Geek: "City of God" "Mountain" "LotR" "Master" ""Seabiscuit"
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Betting "Master".
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Okay I give up. Give them all the Oscars and let me go to sleep. Nine of twelve.
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I would feel up Julianne Moore if given the chance too, dude. Good call.
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Jamie Lee Curtis is like eighty, right? Still pretty hot, but that cleav is Vuh-EINY. And then some.
Those titties got some blue blood up in 'em.
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Never saw a "Mighty Wind". Those Christopher Guest films are pretty interchangable.
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This is meant to be a parody of a bad song, but it just sounds like a bad song. Are we po-mo, yet?
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Really, this isn't much more drippy than the Allison Krauss/Sting song. Them kissing is the joke?
I'm missing something here, right?
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Hello, black conducting man. Do you know the way to a commercial?
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Now this is more like it! Squirrel Nut Zippers with taped background singers, bicycle percussion and a three chinned lead singer that looks like my first girlfriend in college.
No wait, this sucks. Well, it was good for fifteen seconds. Now it's lame. My attention span wandered. Look! A cloud!
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Words I REALLY don't want to hear: "a musical performance with Will Ferrell and Jack Black". I hate those guys.
Black in particular; I skipped what by all rights was a pretty good movie ("School of Rock").
I hate him so much. Tenacious D can suck my left nut.
Can I phone a friend for that second hand grenade?
Best Song, after we get these schmucks out of the way.
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Oh Christ. These guys are as original and funny as your average eighth grade talent show.
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Is Scarlett Johannson dating Sean Connery? Cause she's huggin' him pretty tight.
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I'm betting on the Krauss song with Elvis. That was the only good one. Which means it won't win. But I gotta bet.
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Nine of thirteen. Boy, I'm learning very slowly here: LotR is winning EVERY CATEGORY.
Let me repeat that: EVERY CATEGORY LotR has been nominated for IT HAS WON. Has this ever happened?
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Annie Lennox looks like the Silver Surfer.
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YEAH! The songwriter refused to leave the stage when the music came on.
It's about time somebody said "No, I just won an Oscar; I got shit to say." Very cool.
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Jesus, Theron's back at fighting weight and lookin' hot.
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Foreign film: I'm betting on Lord of the Rings. No, I haven't seen any of these. No vote.
Making a note to find "Twilight Samurai", though.
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Cinematography geek: "City of God" "Mountain" "Girl Pearl" "Master" "Seabiscuit"
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No LotR means "Master"?
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Ten of fourteen. I figured "Master" would have to pick up a few, 'cause it ain't gon' win best picture.
And it IS an epic right? Those are steered by effects I've been told.
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We're almost out of the geek zone. Costuming and screenplay and then we get the big stuff.
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I just want to slap that sneer off Sophia Coppola.
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Adapt Screenplay: "Splendor" "City of God" "LotR" "Mystic River" "Seabiscuit"
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Duh. "Rings". I wish "Splendor" would get it tho.
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Eleven of fifteen. This is getting ludicrous. Are we in record setting territory yet?
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It's like attack of the fat dorky people in Hollywood.
Dah dah dah dah dah, I'm LOvin it.
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Peter Jackson is so rad. "Meet the Feebles" "Dead Alive" and "Heavenly Creatures" rock tha casbah.
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I saw "Seabiscuit" but I don't actually REMEMBER it. Pretty bland Americana.
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How many married couples have matching Oscars? Are they the Sarandons the only ones?
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Best Screenplay: "Barbarian" "Dirty Pretty" "Nemo" "In America" "Translation"
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I'm betting "Translation", would prefer "America."
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Twelve of sixteen.
"Wong Kar-Wai, Godard ...and all the others." Pssst. Name dropper.
Well it WAS a good script, mostly. Can't complain.
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Tom Cruise had to check and see if the mike was short enough for him.
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Director: "City of God" Jackson, Coppola, Weir, Eastwood.
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Betting Jackson.
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Thirteen of seventeen. It's an LotR night. Totally rad. I love that he just won this. What a cool guy.
Can't wait for "King Kong".
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I give up; I'll go and see this damn thing tomorrow. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW, ACADEMY?
The last man in America not to see LotR is going, okay?
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Brodie looks like a semetic Greg Peck.
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Best Actress: Hughes. I'll watch this tonight and see how it is, for now there's no opinion. Cute kid. Keaton. I REALLY don't want her to win this. Enough already. Nice hat though. Morton. I would've picked this if I hadn't seen Monster. She's sexy and talented and bright. Love her. Watts. Very good, but a little over the top and stuck in a confusing movie.
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Theron, though. This was great. Right? Gotta be?
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Brodie's funny. I like his attitude. Little schpritz for the ladies.
Theron's not having it though, she's kissing everybody else, BUT him.
He still wants a little more, but he ain't gettin' it.
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She gets to cry; I'll let her cry.
You know the story on her background? I don't want to get into it here, it's morbid; but you should read more about it.
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Tony G DID do a great job on makeup.
Really, Theron earned this; I can't complain at all even if it is like the prom queen getting a big scholarship to Harvard.
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"...and my mommmm..." Alright, that's enough now. "And I'm not gonna cry!" Theeeeeeeere ya go.
-
I love that Johnny Depp is cracking up that he just got spotlit for best actor.
-
Theron pissed herself when her name was called. I saw a blossom at the crotch of the dress.
-
Kidman sets the standard. Don't forget it.
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Best Actor: Depp. He had a lot of fun, I'll give him that. Not this year though. Ten more. He's got a long career ahead. Kingsley. Didn't see this, dunno. Law or as I call him, "Sexbot". Bad southern accent, dude. Penn. The only other guy that stands a chance than Murray. He's pretty darn good.
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I'm going to jump the fence and say Murray. He was spectacular.
-
Nope. Fourteen of nineteen. I'm actually kind of disappointed, but I really like Penn's attitude.
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Nice "Mass Destruction" ref, dude.
Boy, Bill Murray is totally fuckin' cold. He's pissed; you can see it.
There ain't gonna be too many more chances and he knows it.
-
Boy, Penn's really doing this speech off the top of his head. What a neat guy.
If he doesn't thank Madonna I'm gonna be very sad.
-
I'm very sad.
-
Boy, Crystal's a dick calling out Murray like that on national television. Let the guy feel bad in peace, okay?
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Spielberg looks the same as he has for years. He's working out and eating well; gotta be.
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Best Picture: "LotR" "Translation" "Master" "Mystic" "Seabiscuit"
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I get it already. "Rings", right?
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They did it. All your Oscar are belong to us. Record tying. If only they had gotten that damn sound editing nomination....
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Well, let's wrap it up. What have we learned tonight?
1) Kiwi tastes goooooooood.
2) We're gonna have to put up with a LOT of bad fantasy in the next year.
3) Billy Crystal needs to be put out to pasture.
4) Fifteen of twenty (with a handful of abstentions) means I'm a fucking genius.
I'd like to thank your mother for being so very gracious and your father for being out of the house.
We love you Cincinatti!
Wheaties, Breakfast of Champions!
Good Noight!
